


don't need anyone (just need everyone)

by changgoodbye (violetholdsme)



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Drinking & Talking, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Addiction, Implied/Referenced Mental Illness, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, No Plot/Plotless, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Temporarily Unrequited Love, wow i used those three tags in succcession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29945040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetholdsme/pseuds/changgoodbye
Summary: "There’s always a price for being loved.”“Which is?”“Different for everyone.” Yanan whispers. “Always more than I can give.”
Relationships: Yan An/Yeo Changgu | Yeo One, other past relationships
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	don't need anyone (just need everyone)

**Author's Note:**

> based on clementine by halsey (thank you nadiah for suggesting the song to me and ags for prompting me with "clementine" even though there isn't an actual clementine fruit in the fic)

“Okay, now we absolutely _have_ to get to the bottom of this!”

Everyone bursts out at Hongseok’s enthusiastic (and frankly, kind of _stupid)_ antics, just as they always do. The best thing Yanan can offer is a noncommittal sigh and a defeated shrug of his shoulders, smiling in fond disbelief as everyone else’s eyes fall on him.

“Contrary to popular belief, Hongseok, we never _have_ to do any of the stupid shit you suggestー”

“Uh-uh, be quiet, hyung’s talking,” Hongseok interrupts, feigning seriousness, before ultimately bursting into a fit of laughter. The rest of the group followed.

Yanan just raises his hands in acceptance, knowing perfectly well that there was no stopping his friends when they got like this. Yanan doesn’t know why he still calls these _game nights_ , considering they almost always spiralled off anyway, into fake-deep conversations or any other activity that was as far away from possible as, well, _playing games_. Especially on nights like tonight, when they’re surrounded with shitty beer and cheap wine. 

“I mean, it _is_ kind of an atrocity that Yanan, of all people, hasn’t been snatched off the market yet,” Jinho supplies, ever-ready to back up Hongseok’s schemes (as long as he had some alcohol in him).

Yanan really has no choice but to join in halfheartedly upon hearing everyone else’s drunken gigglesーeven if the topic was one he routinely dismissed wherever or whenever it was brought up. Everyone seemed to be having fun, anyway, and it was mostly innocent and harmless to be talking about _boys_ like they were a bunch of high schoolers. Besides, it was pretty true, what Jinho had just mentioned; Yanan knows there are people at his work who look like they want to kiss him and guys at clubs who look like they want to _devour_ him. There’s some unease in the pit of Yanan’s stomach, still, but he ignores it for now. He’s had a habit for dampening the mood, lately, and he doesn’t plan on being that person now.

(If there’s a single, specific person in the room who seems to notice Yanan’s predicament, doesn’t laugh as much or looks the tiniest bit more sympathetic than everyone elseーthen that’s going to have to stay between Yanan and his pesky, _hopeful_ , wandering eyes.)

Yanan rips his gaze away from the one sitting beside him, turning instead to the table where Hongseok apparently laid out some of their playing cards for his illicit purposes. Everyone huddled around the piece of furniture, Yuto clinging to Wooseok and a very tipsy Hwitaek clinging onto Jinho, while Hongseok moved the cards around the table like he was some casino dealer. Changgu leaned over to look as well, placing a hand on Yanan’s knee and urging him to move forward on the rug. Yanan simply complied, smiling at the other man, trying to prepare himself for whatever theatrics Hongseok had in store.

“Alright, so, let’s do a little case study. On the left side, we have Yanan’s past crushesーlike, the major ones, at least,” Hongseok says proudly, gesturing to a respectable spread of less than ten playing cards, all king, queens, or jacks. “And on the right, Yanan’s past _lovers_ ,” Hongseok wiggles his eyebrows at no one in particular, pointing to two cards on the right side of the table. King of Spades, Queen of Hearts. “Now, let’s get down to business.”

Before they could _get down to business,_ Wooseok suddenly spoke up, eyes locked on the two cards on the right. “I feel like I shouldn’t be here,” he says, chuckling dryly, making a move to get up.

“ _Sit down,_ ” everyone chimed in, in fucking _chorus_ , just enough to dissipate the tension building up and make it seem almost a little bit scary. Just enough to get Wooseok to follow the order and plop back down beside Yuto, with the same defeated sigh as the one Yanan let out a few moments ago.

On the other side of Yanan, Changgu bumps their shoulders together apologetically. Yanan leans into it just a little, to let him know it was okay, because Changgu and Hongseok were best friends and everyone knows that the former lets the latter get away with this stuff basically _all the time_ , even if he’s the one person who was actually _capable_ of quelling it.

“Okay, let’s start with the _crush pile._ Thoughts?” Hongseok begins, clapping his hands together like the proper facilitator he was.

“I don’t remember most of them,” Yuto says lazily.

Hwitaek hums in agreement. “Shinwon was cute, though.”

“I mean, I guess,” Hongseok rolls his eyes. “Changgu?”

“Uh…” Changgu starts sputtering, shifting his eyes between Yanan and the boy beside him who was clearly avoiding his gaze. “I met Yanan when he was already dating Wooseok... so it’s not like I _know_?”

“Cool,” Hongseok brushes it off easily, moving to his next victim. “How about Jinho hyung?”

“Uh, Junhui was nice,” Jinho pauses, staring teasingly at Yanan. “And rich, too. Yanan should’ve dated him.”

Yanan is blushing furiously at this point as everyone starts snickering, taking more sips of their drinks as the time goes by. He can take comfort in the fact that this entire conversation was more a drunken affair than anything that they should actually put value to in the future, so he lets it slide when they continue. 

(If Changgu found his way to Yanan’s wrist and is now rubbing absent circles onto Yanan’s skinーthen that is no one’s business but their own.)

“Alright, so,” Hongseok begins, “ _cute Shinwon,_ _rich Junhui,_ and any of the other guys Yananie’s gushed over: what do they have in common?”

Wooseok raises his hand. “Yanan _spared_ them?”

Yanan turns to glare, but Hongseok steps in. “I know you’re joking, but in the spirit of keeping the peace, I will pretend you kept your mouth shut. Anyone else?”

“Hmm. They’re all kinda hot,” Hwitaek slurs out, giggling. 

“I mean, they were all attractive, but all as _dense_ as they come,” Jinho chimes in, struggling to support Hwitaek’s weight on his shoulder.

“They all act like big, excited puppies,” Yuto adds.

“And _you_ don’t?” Changgu jokes at the Japanese boy.

“Hey!”

“Junhui kinda was more like a cat, thoughー”

“Shinwon would turn in his grave if he knew that you heathens compared him to a _puppy_.”

“Christ, Changgu hyung, he’s not _dead_!”

“Alright, I think that’s enough!” Hongseok says cheerily, just as everyone was chuckling boisterously and going off topic, and Yanan almost commends him. Hongseok was just about as good as putting a halt to chaos as he was at instigating it, and Yanan is thankful for it, in a way. It means they could continue with their conversation, and continue not noticing that the person whose literal love life they were discussing so openly hadn’t uttered more than just the one snide remark at Hongseok since the whole thing began.

“So, Yanan likes energetic, pretty guys who have absolutely no idea that he’s in love with them because they’re dense as fuck, sue him. I still have Shinwon’s number, maybe I should dial him right nowー”

“No!” Hwitaek interrupts, and Yanan only registers that they’re all going off-topic again before he spaces out into his own mind.

Yanan lets the noise fade out around him as he lets out a long sigh, not really caring much about Hongseok’s demonic little laugh and Hwitaek’s much-too-passionate _maybe I should have his number instead!_ droning on in the background. Suddenly, the prospect of this whole conversation going on all night was just so damn _tiring_ for Yanan to think about, and it doesn’t help that his friends won’t even so much as _look_ at him even though it’s _his_ love life that they’re discussing like they were in a boardroom. Yanan swore off of romantic relationships a long time ago, a fact that maybe he was too tired to remind his drunken friends of tonight. Regardless, they never really took that declaration to heart, as is being proven now. They probably chalked it up to Yanan having some built up _single person angst,_ or some shit _._

(But after his last relationship with Wooseok, _of fucking course_ Yanan would swear off of relationships, because fifteen years of friendship were ruined with that one. They used to be as close as two people could be, and now Wooseok couldn’t even look at him without looking a little sad. Maybe their friends were in denial. Maybe it was simply too uncomfortable to acknowledge that it was everybody else’s business, just as much as it was theirs.)

“Hey,” Yanan hears from beside him, the whisper bringing him out of his thoughts. “You still in there?”

Yanan simply nods, turning to look at Changgu for one second, before turning away just as fast. The other man is squeezing his wrist tightly while looking up at him, and Yanan tries to squeeze back, but finds his fingers just aimlessly tensing against his carpeted floor.

“Yananie, are you listening?” Hongseok speaks up, hands on his waist and snapping his fingers like he’s a CEO and not an inebriated idiot. “We’ve moved on to the _ex pile_ , wanna chime in?”

“Pass,” Yanan tries, although he knows it won’t get him anywhere.

“ _Booooo_ ,” his friends drag out, in fucking chorus _again_ , and then Changgu bumps his shoulder against Yanan’s before speaking up. “Come on, Yanan. Can’t hurt.”

 _God fucking damn it, Yeo Changgu._ Yanan doesn’t know what to do about that, because it absolutely _can_ hurt, thank you very much, and Changgu looks much too sincere to actually seem like he’s making Yanan go crazy on purpose. Yanan can’t really blame him for it even if he would have _loved_ if no one tried to egg him on, no matter how pure their intentions may have been. Then again, he did tell Changgu that he didn’t want to be spoiling the mood all the time, and Changgu had prevented him from doing just that because he always did those subtle things that Yanan _should_ be doing but never actually does when he’s left to act on his own, andー

“Okay, let’s start here then,” Hongseok says, interrupting Yanan’s overwhelming stream of thoughts. Hongseok picks a card up from the table, the Queen of Hearts, waving it in Shinwon’s face before interrogating. “Kang Hyunggu, Ex Number 1. What went wrong?”

Yanan doesn’t even try to hide the furrow in his brow and the extreme eye roll. Hongseok was so comically shameless, it was almost disarming. “Hyunggu was an asshole?”

“Okay, _come on,_ nowー”

“ _B_ _oooo_ ー”

“Hyung, I mean, he definitely wasn’t the one for you, but he was hardly a _bad person_.”

“I mean, I agree with Yuto, Hyunggu would literally die for a stranger on the street,” Changgu said pointedly, chuckling, still holding onto Yanan’s arm.

More arguments and booing noises erupted around Yanan and he just threw his head back onto the couch, not knowing how much more of this teasing he would have to endure. Kang Hyunggu was his first boyfriend and ex-boyfriend, and while he was _not,_ in fact, an asshole, Yanan might secretly hope that his declaration could rile his friends up enough that they would pass out before they could move on to the King of Spades still lying on the table. As per usual, the comforting hand on his wrist started to feel more like chains at this point, and luck didn’t seem like it wanted to play on his side.

“Ex Number 2,” Hongseok announces after a fit of giggles. “Jung Wooseok, you good with this?”

“Yeah, whatever.”

(If Yanan tries to scratch his nails onto the floor, the sound is obscured by the carpet. Other than probably Yeo Changgu, no one had to know about the tension building under Yanan’s skin at the cruel revelation that none of his friends seemed to care enough to ask _him._ )

“So, what… happened?” Hongseok asked, not doing a very good job at hiding that he was trying his hardest to deviate from his previous question of _what went wrong,_ and Yanan can only let out his hundredth sigh of the night.

Apparently, Wooseok was right there with him. “Everyone knows what _happened_ ー”

“Nooo,” Hwitaek starts whining. “You were together until you weren’t, what was up with that?”

Yuto chimes in, unexpectedly. “It’s been so long, hyungs, we should probably let it go.”

“Right,” Hongseok surprisingly agreed, directing the conversation skillfully once more. “What did Hyunggu and Wooseok have in common, though? Could shed some light.”

“They were born in the same year?” 

“I’m gonna stop you right thereー”

“I don’t know, Hongseok hyung, there’s not much else.”

“Music? Cats?”

“Seriously, guys?”

“Kindness?”

“They have literally nothing in commonー”

“Agreed.”

“ーor maybe none of us really knew Hyunggu that well?”

Yanan feels like the world is just buzzing around him at this point, chaos and nonsense intertwining with the very oxygen he’s breathing as his friends started to spiral off-track, talking about his exes, for fuck’s sake, one of which was _currently in the room, for fuck’s sake._ Changgu has since let go of his wrist, moving his palm over the back of Yanan’s hand on the floor; a position far less caging than his previous hold. He was tracing small lines, contributing to the conversation just as much as Yanan wasーwhich was, intriguingly, not at allーand Yanan turns his head to just look into his eyes in a moment of weakness, just long enough to imprint their color into his memory.

“There must be _something,_ though,” Hongseok declares a little louder, catching everyone’s attention. “If we can figure out what went wrong, we can talk it through and then Yananie won’t be so scared of trying again anymore.”

All eyes suddenly fell on him, and Yanan doesn’t know whether to be touched by the sincerity in Hongseok’s voice or intimidated by the implications of what he just said. He simply shrugs, trying not to give anything away, knowing he’s failing with every second that everyone’s voices turn cloudier in his ears. “What am I supposed to say to that?”

“Dunno,” Wooseok suddenly spoke up, timid. “It’s not like you were on bad terms with Hyunggu. Or me. So… I don’t really know. Yeah, no one really knows.”

Yanan looks at him sadly for a second, seeing a sliver of the best friend he had before they decided to take it somewhere they shouldn’t have. Wooseok’s lips are quivering, betraying his composure, and Yanan selfishly has to rip his eyes away.

“Well, there must be _something_ ,” Hongseok said, crouching down to be at everyone else’s level on the floor. “What happened?”

“I don’t _know_ , okay,” Yanan groaned, frustrated, ripping his hands away from wherever they were to rub the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I don’t know. They loved me back. That’s what happened.”

The room falls silent for a second, then two, three, fourーuntil a drunk Hwitaek lets out a strained giggly sound at Yanan’s declaration. Surprisingly, it was almost unsurprising to Yanan that _that_ alone dissipated every single ounce of tension that had built up in the four seconds that Yanan thought they were starting to get serious, and he just _can’t_ do this right now. For god’s sake, he fucking _couldn’t_.

Yanan stands up abruptly from his spot on the floor, scoffing at his correct suspicion that his friends would probably be too drunkーor simply too unbotheredーto notice, anyway. His breathing picks up the pace as he leaves his own living room, pacing hurriedly into his dark kitchen just to lean against the counter and _breathe_ , every other noise fading out of his consciousness as he walks away.

They’re his _friends_ , and Yanan doesn’t want to be an asshole and yell at them to leave, so this is the next best thing. He’ll dart his eyes around the kitchen and list down everything he can see as his eyes adjust to the dark. Pots, pans, knives, the sink, the fridge, the archway he just came through, the cupboard, the medicine cabinetー

Yanan’s gaze lingers there for a secondーbut he rips his eyes away when he notices a figure in the doorway, not startling him as much as it should. He had an inkling that he’d been followed here, but he was hard pressed to really care; Yanan wonders how long Changgu had been standing there before he even noticed, because the shorter man’s gaze had already followed Yanan’s to the counter under the cabinet, eyeing a bottle that Yanan now kind of wishes he wasn’t so _careless_ about leaving out in the open.

“Yananie, have you been…?”

Yanan only sighs at the question, already two steps ahead of Changgu. He walks over with his head down to grab the pill bottle, placing it into Changgu’s hands as he came closer, going right back to leaning back against his counter afterwards.

Changgu raised an eyebrow at the bottle he was now holding, concern flickering in his stare. “What am I supposed to do with these?”

“Throw them in the trash, flush them down the toilet, I don’t know,” Yanan exhaled shakily, keeping his eyes locked on a floor tile. “I’m not supposed to have them.”

“You…” Changgu only nods, alternating his gaze between him and the bottle, but sparing Yanan any further comment despite the questions so obviously running through his head. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

Changgu pockets the object, the two of them standing in silence for what felt like centuries.

“You know they were just joking, right?” Changgu changes the topic after a while, pill bottle still heavy in his pocket. 

“That’s the thing, Changgu,” Yanan responds, tapping his foot on the tiles. “Not everything is a joke all the time.”

Yanan can tell as soon as the words come out of his mouth that he sounds much too dramaticーdefensive, evenーfor his own liking. Changgu doesn’t seem to mind, and he keeps looking at him thoughtfully, innocently. Yanan doesn’t know where to place the feeling that’s blooming in his gut.

“You can tell me what you wanted to say out there, then,” Changgu offers shyly. “I’ll listen.”

“It’s stupid.” Yanan still can’t look at anything else but the ground.

“I don’t care.” 

Changgu is smiling straight up at him, and Yanan can feel it, even in the dark.

“It’s just… I don’t really know why I said what I said,” Yanan begins shakily. “Maybe I really just _don’t_ like being loved.”

“But everyone likes being loved.”

There was nothing condescending about the way Changgu said it, not one hint of defiance nor even a smear of judgment. He said it like it was the softest thing to say in the world, and Yanan almost gives in to the part of his heart that wants to believe it.

“Loving people’s easy to me, yeah,” Yanan responded, finally looking into his friend’s eyes. “But letting _others_ love me? I don’t know. There’s always a price for being loved.”

“Which is?”

“Different for everyone.” Yanan whispers, trying to clear his throat. “Always more than I can give.”

 _Always more,_ period. Yanan can never sustain anyone’s love for shit. It always seems as though it’s there to taunt rather than protect him, the luxury of someone else’s _love_ hanging over his head. Yanan told Hyunggu he needed to focus on getting better on his own. Yanan told Wooseok, six months after that, that they got the timing wrong and should put whatever they had on pause (and Yanan didn’t really tell him that he didn’t intend on ever hitting _play_ again). _That_ was what went wrong.

“Why is that?”

Because there are things about himself that he just doesn’t _want_ anyone to love. Things he would rather get rid of and throw out the window until they’re dead and gone. There are things that Yanan wants to change for _himself_ and not for someone who feels _sorry_ for him, loves him so much that they wonder why it doesn’t _make_ Yanan happy. Yanan doesn’t want to be loved, he just wants to be fucking _okay_ , and no one ever seemed to ask him if he thought those two things were the same. (He didn’t. They aren’t.)

“It’s just suffocating, you know?” Yanan laughs breathily. “They’ll tell you they love you, but they always _want_ something. There’s always something.”

_‘I want you to be happy, Yanan.’ ‘I want you to get better.’ ‘I need you to stop doing this to yourself.’_

Hell, Yanan wants those things, too, but it’s not what he needs to hear whispered in his ear every night before falling asleep.

“Am I making you feel that way right now?”

Yanan locks eyes with Changgu at the firm utterance, the older boy seemingly unfazed by the weight of their discussion. With slumped shoulders and quivering lips, Yanan wipes away the tear that slips out onto his cheek without warning, and he recalls in the back of his head all the countless times he’s been vulnerable in front of Changgu like this, always remaining unspoken right after the fact. 

“No,” Yanan admits softly. “You never have, really.”

Yanan always lovー _liked_ that Changgu was this way with him. When Yanan was falling apart, Changgu stayed with him, and when he wasn’tーChanggu didn’t treat him like he’d fall apart again so easily.

Changgu reached out for one of Yanan’s hands, tentative and slow. Yanan let him have it, a steady stream of tears now falling though he can’t pinpoint why, and he lets Changgu speak for the both of them.

“Don’t cry, Yananie,” he shushes him softly, swiping tears away from Yanan’s cheek with his free hand. “I…”

Yanan looks at him again, gaping slightly, heart beating a million times faster in his chest. “You what?”

“Nothing,” Changgu says hastily. “I don’t know what to say.”

Yanan lets out a pained chuckle at those words, and it hurts even more after what he says in response. “Don’t you dare say _I love you_.”

Tears fall out of both of Changgu’s eyes at that, as if waiting for their cue, and Yanan can definitely feel his heart breaking slowly in his own chest as it beats a hundred times faster than it should. Changgu leans up anyway, his lips just hovering slightly over Yanan’s, voice shaky like Changgu can feel the pain of every millimeter of uncrossable distance.

“It’s okay,” Changgu whispers, slowly, right into the space between their lips. “I’ve never had to.” 

_But you always knew,_ was left unsaid.

In his mind, Yanan is kissing Changgu like his life depends on it, pulling him impossibly closer and tasting the wine still lingering in his mouth. In the depths of his heart, Yanan is holding Changgu in every place he can for every second that he’s allowed to, like he isn’t afraid that they’ll never have anything as good after they pull away. 

But in reality, Changgu moves away and walks back into the living room with their friends, leaving Yanan with only a soft smile and a multitude of unspoken words.

(When Changgu is throwing the pills into the river on the way back home, the wind is drying the tears that reappeared on his face the moment he left. There’s a small smile on his face and a tiny, selfish part of him that wants to go back to Yanan and kiss him senseless anywayーlike he can’t breathe and the only oxygen that can save him is in Yanan’s lungs.

Whether he does or does not do exactly that, is no one else’s business but their own.)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because i havent been feeling well lately and i had to project it somewhere ahaha and im not proud of it, but if you want to find me i'm on twt - @violetholdsme


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